Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
