96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
