I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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