hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
