I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
