A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
