Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
