your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
