I don't usually arrange sex via text message
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
