your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
