he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
