After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
