I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
