I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
