I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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