weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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