I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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