I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
