I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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