I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
