On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Terrible idea I love it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
