So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
