Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately