theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.