There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
