I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
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I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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