WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
