Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
