Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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