You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
