I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a search helicopter?!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
