I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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