i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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