I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
