at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
