At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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