he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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