i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
