My liver just broke up with me...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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