I want to stick my p in your. b.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
