Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
