Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
