If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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