What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
