i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
