Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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