I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
