just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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