dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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