I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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