I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
