she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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