I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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