someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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