and she was petting her beer can
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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