so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
