A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
