I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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