My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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