When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
