Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
