2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
