well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
