She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
